Should've been there

As I prepare for my Dad to visit me, I reflect back upon how much life has changed over the past 2 years. Two years ago, I would not have made sure every inch of the house was clean to prevent him from being exposed to germs. Two years ago, I would not have scrambled to make sure I have every kind of food he could possibly need/want because I would have made the assumption we could always go out to eat or he could just eat what we planned to eat for dinner. Two years ago, I would not have worried that the bed is soft enough or that it will be quiet enough for him to sleep. Two years ago, I would not have worried about him driving and being dizzy. Two years ago, I would not have thought about all of the potential germs he is exposed to on an airplane. Two years ago, I would not have valued the upcoming time with him like I do now. Mostly though, I think about what I would have done differently two years ago. You see, two years ago, my dad was diagnosed with Stage Four Kidney Cancer. I should have been there.
Two years ago, I was living across the country, where I still live today. I remember talking to him on the phone and hearing him cough. He had been coughing for a while. I told him he should see a doctor since it sounded like he had bronchitis. He said he would and I figured that would be the end of it. It wasn't. You see, that is the thing about cancer...it is never really done. This type of disease gives you plenty of time to regret most everything you have done, currently do, and will do with your loved one. It also gives you the opportunity to say goodbye over and over again. The thing I think about the most now is that two week period of time when the doctors were not exactly sure what it was or how bad it was for my dad. I thought about coming home. I asked about coming home. I had so many thoughts spinning in my head. I guess a very real part of me figured that if I didn't come home to hear it from the doctors, it wasn't real. I couldn't bare the thought of what the diagnosis meant for the one person that had been there for me every single day of my thirtysomething life. I didn't go home and I should have. It isn't so much that it would have changed anything our family has experienced since that time, but it would have been a simple way to show my Dad the support he has always shown me. I will never forget one time in particular that Dad was there for me....

I was a very scared, twentysomething single mom. I don't remember exactly what set me off on this particular day, but I had a full out meltdown. I was living at home and I remember sitting on the floor crying hysterically. I was crying so hard, I couldn't even pick up my child. I just couldn't face the challenges I perceived to be ahead of me and the choices I had made to date in my life. I managed to pick up the phone and call my Dad. He was in the middle of harvest and as a farmer, this was a critical time for him. He was pulling 16 hour days trying to get the crop in with all of my brother's help and the hired men. I called and could barely speak. All he said was "I will be there as soon as I can." He was there in 20 min...it is a 30 min drive to the farm from our house. When he got home, we just sat together on the step. We didn't talk...we just sat. I just needed him to sit with me and know that I wasn't alone. After a while (and after I could stop sobbing), we went to go and get ice cream at our favorite family place. While we licked our cones, we talked about life, big and small stuff, and mostly just enjoyed the treat. I will never forget what he told me that day. He said that no matter what, no matter how badly I perceived my situation, he would be there for me and that he knew I could do it. Since that day, every time I feel like giving up or like I just can't do it, I think of that conversation. He will probably never realize (even though I have told him) how much that day meant to me.

So now, some 12 years later, I feel like a complete failure as a daughter because I was not there for him. I know he was surrounded by the rest of my family and yes, I was busy at work, but that doesn't change the fact that I had an obligation to be there for him like he was for me. Some things in life you can never go back, never erase, never get the chance to redo....this was one of them. The best I can hope for is that he has forgiven me and that on this trip, I will get the chance to show him how much he means to me. Mostly, I look forward to the little conversations about nothing much at all that let us just sit together. Thankfully, I still have my Dad with me to create more memories and to hopefully show him what a great job he did as a parent with me. I also hope that I have learned the lesson and that I don't have any more "should've been there" moments.