Christmas is a time....

To forgive your enemies, to express tolerance to all, to be a good example for a child, to give yourself respect. Those thoughts are from a quote about good gifts to give at Christmas. I like that thought, but really, shouldn't we do that all year? Christmas always prompts me to think about life, love, family, friends, etc...I guess that is why New Year Resolutions follow directly after the holiday. Today I was struck by the story of Brittany Murphy. This time of year, it is so hard to hear news like, but I think the fact that she is another thirtysomething makes it even more difficult. She was so young, too young. I guess you never know when your time is up..which is probably good. It still feels so wrong to see that sort of headline though. Each day I wake up, I am immediately so grateful for a new day. I know it sounds completely cheezy, but I think that with all of the illness in my family, the news, the weather disasters, etc....it is only natural to feel grateful. Being grateful is free to give and easy to achieve; probably one of the best gifts to give and recieve at Christmas. So all you thirtysomethings...Christmas is a time to be grateful in your own way.

A Time for Giving

A read a friend' blog today and felt a certain level of guilt. She is always better at giving than I am...darn her! She talked about giving something back, being appreciative for the wealth we have in this country, etc....yea, those are the great friends I have...they spur me on to be a better person. The thing is, I want to be giving; I want to volunteer, I want to contribute to something bigger than me...I just can't figure out what motivates me enough to do it regularly. I am a GREAT One- Time-Sally...just not on a reoccurring basis. The thing I started thinking about is that it is regular service that truly takes a commitment and means something extraordinary. I am not downplaying one time gifts, they are wonderful and do alot of good. For me, I realize how blessed I am in this world and it is time to give back...in a regular way. I guess it is a New Year's Resolution a little early. So, this new objective of mine has me thinking about what type of charity I can possibly commit to on a regular basis. I know I should just pick one, but like everything else in my life, I feel compelled to pick the one that fits me the best. I can't really picture myself handing out food in a homeless shelter..noble as that is, I just can't envision it. I am allergic to most pets, so those charities are out since I already own stock in Claritin due to our cat. Which left me with military charities, children's charities, and various religious charities. None of those exactly inspired me. I know, that sounds horrible, but those are also the ones that get the most volunteers. So, I did what any thirtysomething does...I googled it. A charity came up that I had forgotten about...The Ronald McDonald House. It is a charity that provides housing for families with children that are in a hospital away from home. Suddenly, a ton of memories came flooding back. When my daughter was born, she was really sick. She had to be in an intensive care nursery for a week. During that time, I was a little less than an hour away from home, but it was the middle of winter with record snow falls. Since I was so young, I didn't have alot of money for hotels and really couldn't afford the gas and food to travel back and forth to be with her. I don't remember how I found out about the Ronald McDonald House, but it was a life saver for me for that week. The house was nice, the people sympathetic, and I even had privacy. It was such an answer to my many many prayers at that difficult time. So, I have a charity now. I can volunteer to cook meals for families that are staying in the house, which is awesome because I like to cook anyway. Plus, I have been there, I have experienced what these families are going through..or at least a little snippet of it. I know that I was so lucky to have my healthy child come home with me a week later...most families that stay in the houses do not have that privilege....so the least I can do is make it a little easier for them in some small way. I have a really good feeling about this new volunteering thing. So, all you thirtysomethings, do something outside of yourself this upcoming year and this Christmas season. Give yourself the gift of giving back.

Sleep

Sleep used to be something I took for granted. As a teenager, sleep was easy and I could sleep until noon without a problem. In my twenties, I don't even remember falling into bed most nights...a toddler will do that to you. Now, as a thirtysomething, I find sleep elusive some nights. I toss and turn on any given night, but sometimes, I just get up...knowing sleep will not come to me soon. Usually it is because I am stressed or thinking about something, but sometimes it is just a function of poor sleep habits in my twenties that are catching up to me now. I could not sleep tonight. I woke up about 2am and knew I wasn't falling back asleep. Granted, this time I did have many reasons to keep me awake....holiday events, my child's upcoming birthday, holiday shopping, bills, family feuds, etc. Funny how during the day, any worries can be rationed away, but at night, they seem to come alive. I never thought of myself as a worry wart. I used to pride myself in solving my problems instead of mulling them over and over in my mind. Unfortunately, some problems or life circumstances don't allow for easy solutions and are out of my ability to control. I wish my brain had a "sleep mode" button. A simple little button that I could push as I climb into bed that activated a complete brain shutdown. Of course, this assumes that it would automatically re-start my newly rested brain after the full 8 hours..or 6 most nights. For some reason, my mind works the best at this time of night and I usually accomplish alot...for example, posting to my blog. However, I miss sleep. I miss falling asleep and not waking up until my body tells me to wake up. I miss the clarity that comes from a good night's rest. Ah, sleep, it is something this thirtysomething is going to try to do again right now...

The Firm

I have entered a world where I have clients, not customers. I work for something called The Firm instead of the company. Supposedly, I am in the "elite" 1 percent of those that apply to the firm...I got hired. In this case, I was told that I have joined an organization that is harder to get into than the ivy league schools. WOW. I should be impressed. Unfortunately, I know enough about my hiring process as well as having taken enough statistics to realize that any information can be "tailored" to meet a specific goal...in this case, it espouses the eliteness of the firm. Since my employment started, I have been corrected slightly under a million tims for my use of customer vs. client. I have experienced something akin to being in a sorority...everyone give you that knowing look. I have had doors open that I thought woudl take months, but was told that "the firm supports individaul development as well as personal development." I have run into people at the gym that work for THE FIRM...they now approach me as if I have suddenly come alive. I feel like Abby McDeere: "Somewhere, inside, in the dark, the firm is listening." I find this new world quite interesting. I have access to things that are absolutely amazing (discounts on pretty much everything, travel booking, online course, etc). I have never worked in an environment that considers image important. I worked government..enough said. While I like the thought of taking pride in yourself and how you present yourself each day, I find the level of attention paid to it quite humorous. Sometimes I push the dress code with my lack of formal apparal (a sweater over a button down collared shirt instead of a blazer)...which results in some VERY disapproving looks. This thirtysomething is WAY out of her realm of comfort. I keep thinking how perfect this position would have been for me directly out of college...when I did consider image a vital part of a job. Now, I find it all very comical. I better watch out though...you never know what THE FIRM knows and when they are watching...

Be Gentle with the Bread

I went to the grocery store today to do our weekly grocery shopping as well as pick up the items we need for Thanksgiving. By the time I got to the register, I was quite done with the whole ordeal. In order to preserve what little sanity I have left, I purposely shop at a rather upscale shop to avoid long lines, poor attention to customer service, and lack of variety in produce. Today the trip progressed nicely until I got to the check-out lane. I dutifully got in line and waited my turn while my milk began to sour. I patiently read up on the latest celebrity gossip while Mr. Underachiever (my pet name for the check-out boy) slowly dealt with the customer in front of me. I failed to mention that I was also juggling two gallons of water while I waited (yes, poor cart organization on my part). When I was able to set the water down, I couldn't feel my fingers. I handed Mr. Underachiever (MR. UA for short) my special savings card and proceeded to the payment module thingy...yes, that is the technical term. While I scanned my debit card, Mr. UA began to scan my groceries. Now, I am not the most easy person to please when it comes to grocery placement in the bags, but COME ON. Mr. UA began to put the can goods in with the fruit, the bottles in with the meat, etc...I watched with a sick feeling growing in my stomach. The final straw came when he grabbed the bread in the middle, thereby completely smooching the middle part, and threw it in a bag with the milk. ARGH!!! At this point, I am faced with the incredibly hard decision...do I say something and risk complete hatred from all of the other patiently waiting customers as well as pure sneering from Mr. UA or do I just suck it up and deal with smooched bread. Today I chose to deal with smooched bread because I had a turkey that needed to get home and in the fridge. My poor smooched bread looks all deformed in my fridge and my tuna sandwich tomorrow will be in a nice hour-glass shape, but I will survive. My question is this....if Mr. UA chooses to do this job in such a lackadaisical manner, how many customers will this store lose? I see a growing trend in a lack of care, concern, or even just basic politeness in customer service. Maybe this thirtysomething is just getting old. Maybe it is a clear indicator that we are all busy and stressed and not completely present in our work lives. Maybe it is an indicator that customer service takes a hit when a company is worried about the bottom line. I don't really know, I don't really think I am going to fix it. I just wish I didn't have smooched bread. So Mr. UA, if you happen upon this thirtysomething's blog, please please, DO NOT smooch the bread!

Take the Big Girl Pill

I accepted a position in a company that I am not necessarily happy about nor do I really want to do. I accepted it assuming something else would come along before I actually had to start work. Well, today was my first official day on the new job. It was pretty bad. Don't get me wrong, this company used to be my top pick, but that was before my former boss went to work for them and before I actually got how contracting worked. However that is not the point of this post. The point of this post is to convince myself that what I am feeling is normal...or not. I was close to tears all day today and I couldn't figure out why. Why? I have a job, I should be grateful. My co-workers are as normal as they can be I guess. The company is a good company. I have benefits. ETC. What I realized is that I am so sad because I am mourning the loss of my big plan for my life. I always thought I had my career all figured out. College, Degree, 1st job, 2nd job, etc...I thought I would just move from one step to the next without any consideration for the realities of life....like unemployment.Somewhere in the course of my last position I severely veered off of the well-laid plans course and into/onto/directly through some foreign land I do not appreciate nor do I have any desire to be in.Ironically, this new position is almost exactly what I did in my last position, so I am no closer to working in my field now than I was 6 months ago. I don't know what to do, except keep showing up and hope that I somehow learn what I am supposed to learn with all of this because I am really ready to feel some sort of excitement or even moderate enjoyment at work again. Part of me is dying and I don't know how to get it back. That being said, I guess I will take the big girl pill and tough it out....this thirtysomething has some bills to pay! I wish this is something they taught you in your twenties....life isn't fair, life downright sucks the life out of you sometimes...and guess what? Life goes on...

Homesick

As I am traveling this week for some interviews, I have come to be very homesick. I rarely experience this feeling. I LOVE to travel and explore, so I am too busy to get homesick. This week, I am not traveling to a new place, I am actually in a place that holds many memories for me, both good and bad. Maybe that is why I am homesick. I never understood people that couldn't stand to be away from their families for a couple of days....I certainly never thought that would be me. However, I am completely and totally homesick. As a thirtysomething, I have had the opportunity to create many memories and I realize that part of this feeling is that I am looking back instead of forward this week. I know it sounds strange when I am doing interviews, but it causes me to be very reflective of previous work and life experiences. As I reflect on the good, I immediately become thankful for all of the wonderful family and friends I have in my life. Strangely, I get extremely homesick then because I just want to be able to spend time with them doing the everyday life things. I miss being home when my daughter gets home from school...even if she is less than pleased to see me. I miss eating dinner with my family. I miss going to the gym with my bf. I miss pretty much my entire life. As I reflect back on the bad, I want to flee this place as fast a possible and run back to my safe zone, which is my home. So, even though the interviews are progressing nicely, I can only think of going home. I feel silly really..I am thirtysomething afterall! I am so blessed to have the opportunity to interview this week, but I will also be really glad when I can go home and hug my family....I guess you can never be too old to get homesick.

"Ms. DTV"

You can't grow up in the 80's without having seen the movie "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." I always related to Sarah Jessica Parker's character in the movie. I think every teenager goes through a stage of figuring out who and what you are in life. After a recent discussion about the movie with a fellow thirtysomething, I realized that my new hero in the movie is Ricky (Helen Hunt). She is so creative, original, and uniquely herself the entire movie. Plus, in the final scene, she rides onto the set in a chariot as Ms. DTV...how awesome is that? I used to just think she was weird (the character). Funny how the phases in one's life bring us to re-evaluate "weirdness" and our views on life. As a thirtysomething, I sorta feel like I am going through some sort of early mid-life crisis sometimes. It isn't the type of crisis that causes me to buy a fancy new sports car or anything extreme like that, but I definitely re-evaluate me. What do I want to be when I grow up? Who do I want to be when I grow up? What is important for me to accomplish in my thirties? What isn't important for me to accomplish in my thirties? One thought/feeling seems to permeate all of the questions....being original and completely myself (whatever that is) is the most important thing to me. For most of my twentysomething life, I tried to live up to all sorts of expectations from my family, my friends, my co-workers, my significant other, my child...etc. What I have come to realize is that I set my own expectations for myself. I will be wonderful if I stick to what I know best..myself. While I don't have it all figured out, I do know that I want more Ricky moments in my life....by embracing myself (the good, the bad, and the ugly) without apologies. A quote that I just love by Ralph Waldo Emerson comes to mind, "Insist upon yourself. Be original." So, this thirtysomething is going to continue to explore, create, and develop myself in hopes of having more Ms. DTV moments.

Goal-Doubts=Reality

My legs hurt. In my never ending attempt to lose weight and become more fit, I have started to run 4 miles a couple of times per week. This is in addition to going to the gym every day. Yes, I might be slightly nuts, but the gym has become a habit and something the bf and I do together. I just feel "off" all day if I don't go in the morning. The running is just something to increase my cardio and possibly cause me to lose all sanity. Yesterday, I ran at 4am. I couldn't sleep, so I got up and went for a run. I saw deer...multiple deer on the path that I run on each morning. There is something seriously wrong with seeing nocturnal animals while you are out for your morning jog. As I was entering mile 3, I started to reflect on WHY I was doing this...my knees hurt, my thighs hurt, and my lungs felt like they were on fire. I must have some sort of sadistic part of my personality to hate running so much but still do it every other day. That being said, it is all in an attempt to reach a goal. I decided last Christmas that I wasn't getting any younger and I have no excuse for not being in the shape of my life. So, hence the gym, the running, and the pain. In the past 10 months, I have not reached my goal, but I have come closer to the goal. I read a quote that helps me when I have a rough fitness day. "Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality."~Ralph Marston. I liked it because as a thirtysomething, I really think that to have the mental stamina to reach a fitness goal, you must realize that reality is a reflection of both the positive and negative thoughts floating around in your head. For me that means that when I am so hard on myself for not pushing myself through a workout, I have to remember that it is the doubts that are getting in the way. So, I will go and ice my tired legs and look at the picture on the refrigerator of my dream body and remind myself that it is a marathon and not a sprint with the goal of better fitness and the reality of pushing myself each and every day.

Should've been there

As I prepare for my Dad to visit me, I reflect back upon how much life has changed over the past 2 years. Two years ago, I would not have made sure every inch of the house was clean to prevent him from being exposed to germs. Two years ago, I would not have scrambled to make sure I have every kind of food he could possibly need/want because I would have made the assumption we could always go out to eat or he could just eat what we planned to eat for dinner. Two years ago, I would not have worried that the bed is soft enough or that it will be quiet enough for him to sleep. Two years ago, I would not have worried about him driving and being dizzy. Two years ago, I would not have thought about all of the potential germs he is exposed to on an airplane. Two years ago, I would not have valued the upcoming time with him like I do now. Mostly though, I think about what I would have done differently two years ago. You see, two years ago, my dad was diagnosed with Stage Four Kidney Cancer. I should have been there.
Two years ago, I was living across the country, where I still live today. I remember talking to him on the phone and hearing him cough. He had been coughing for a while. I told him he should see a doctor since it sounded like he had bronchitis. He said he would and I figured that would be the end of it. It wasn't. You see, that is the thing about cancer...it is never really done. This type of disease gives you plenty of time to regret most everything you have done, currently do, and will do with your loved one. It also gives you the opportunity to say goodbye over and over again. The thing I think about the most now is that two week period of time when the doctors were not exactly sure what it was or how bad it was for my dad. I thought about coming home. I asked about coming home. I had so many thoughts spinning in my head. I guess a very real part of me figured that if I didn't come home to hear it from the doctors, it wasn't real. I couldn't bare the thought of what the diagnosis meant for the one person that had been there for me every single day of my thirtysomething life. I didn't go home and I should have. It isn't so much that it would have changed anything our family has experienced since that time, but it would have been a simple way to show my Dad the support he has always shown me. I will never forget one time in particular that Dad was there for me....

I was a very scared, twentysomething single mom. I don't remember exactly what set me off on this particular day, but I had a full out meltdown. I was living at home and I remember sitting on the floor crying hysterically. I was crying so hard, I couldn't even pick up my child. I just couldn't face the challenges I perceived to be ahead of me and the choices I had made to date in my life. I managed to pick up the phone and call my Dad. He was in the middle of harvest and as a farmer, this was a critical time for him. He was pulling 16 hour days trying to get the crop in with all of my brother's help and the hired men. I called and could barely speak. All he said was "I will be there as soon as I can." He was there in 20 min...it is a 30 min drive to the farm from our house. When he got home, we just sat together on the step. We didn't talk...we just sat. I just needed him to sit with me and know that I wasn't alone. After a while (and after I could stop sobbing), we went to go and get ice cream at our favorite family place. While we licked our cones, we talked about life, big and small stuff, and mostly just enjoyed the treat. I will never forget what he told me that day. He said that no matter what, no matter how badly I perceived my situation, he would be there for me and that he knew I could do it. Since that day, every time I feel like giving up or like I just can't do it, I think of that conversation. He will probably never realize (even though I have told him) how much that day meant to me.

So now, some 12 years later, I feel like a complete failure as a daughter because I was not there for him. I know he was surrounded by the rest of my family and yes, I was busy at work, but that doesn't change the fact that I had an obligation to be there for him like he was for me. Some things in life you can never go back, never erase, never get the chance to redo....this was one of them. The best I can hope for is that he has forgiven me and that on this trip, I will get the chance to show him how much he means to me. Mostly, I look forward to the little conversations about nothing much at all that let us just sit together. Thankfully, I still have my Dad with me to create more memories and to hopefully show him what a great job he did as a parent with me. I also hope that I have learned the lesson and that I don't have any more "should've been there" moments.

Perfect in Another Life

Every morning I'm struggling
Trying to figure out where I fit in
It doesn't make much sense but I have to roll with it
Look in the mirror and see my face
but something always seems out of place
has my reflection just runs away from me
If only I could dig deep inside
If only I could I could fly twice as high
If only I could be free
If only I could just give it time
If only I could learn from my life
I would see I'm happy with me
And I'll be perfect, perfect

I'm gonna get it right
I'll be perfect…perfect in the next life

I know you might criticize

And maybe even fantasize

About what I’d be like if I were different

I don’t really think that it’s fair, but most people out there don’t care

I gotta make it up as I go along

By Reddi

Every once in a while you find a song that you play over and over again because there is just something about it. The lyrics, the beat, or perhaps it is the memories it triggers. “Perfect” is one of those songs for me. I cannot stop listening to it.

Unemployment has a way of making you feel rather imperfect. Being a mom has a way of making you feel rather imperfect. I think it is the little things each day that can make one feel imperfect…the way a cup drops to the floor and shatters, the slamming of a door after a fight, an unexpected diagnosis, a sick child, burning dinner, or a new wrinkle in the mirror. While none of these things individually cause us to contemplate how seriously imperfect our lives are, a couple of them occurring in one day can trigger some serious self examination over a glass of wine. I think most people have days, perhaps even years, they wish they could redo to make them a little more perfect. What does it all mean? Why do we wish we were perfect? Why do we always create more goals for ourselves, even after attaining something pretty fabulous? If we finally did attain everything we set out to do and could truly be “perfect” tomorrow, would we be happy?

Happiness. I recently read that over the past 40 years more than 1.3 million people have been surveyed (U.S. and abroad) on happiness (Results reported by Marcus Buckingham). The results are astounding: greater educational, political, and employment opportunities have corresponded to decreases in life happiness for women, as compared to men. Buckingham goes on to state that one of the reasons this trend is occurring is the additional responsibilities women place on themselves…or in other words, their need to be perfect to everyone all the time. Women are treated more equally in the workplace than years ago, we pursue greater educational attainment, and balance crazy levels of responsibility; we seem to be stunted on our pursuit of happiness or a happy life. It seems that we have somehow forgotten that for something to be “perfect”….it has to include some level of happiness as well.

I have struggled so hard to come this far in life, yet perfection eludes me. As this thirtysomething makes it through this life, certain truths still help me face my reflection in the mirror each day. Truth #1: Tomorrow is a new day and a new chance at….everything. Truth #2: Asking for help does not equal defeat. Truth #3: My friends and family love me for who I am…flaws and all. Truth #4: I am harder on myself than anyone else can ever be and sometimes I just need to find the good in me. Truth #5: I am not perfect. Truth #6: I will never be perfect. Truth #6: To get it right, I just need to be me. The real beauty in all of my imperfection is that it has made me who I am. Yes, the klutz that walks into most stationary objects, the mom that sometimes forgets to tell her daughter to bring an umbrella, the person that got laid off, the daughter that should call her parents more often, the sister that doesn’t tell her brothers how much she loves them and misses them, the girlfriend that is always asking a million questions….all of that imperfection and more. What I realized while contemplating this subject is that the only person that actually expects me to be perfect is me. While I strive to be a better person every day, it is the struggle that makes me better. While these truths may be pretty basic, I wish I could remember these simple truths every day. I think it would be wonderful for just one day, even one moment, to embrace imperfection and just be happy with me.

“Perfection I may not be, but I will always, always be me.”

Trapped on the Trolley

As I was researching trolley rides for an upcoming trip to San Francisco, I came upon a website for San Francisco Cable Cars. On the home page, a picture of a red cable car with little destination placards next to it appeared. I immediately burst into laughter (more on this later). The intent is for the reader to select their placard of choice and learn more about that specific item (such as routes and maps). Indeed, the site even had a little note "Learn more about San Francisco's cable cars before you ride." To this, I almost fell off of my chair I was laughing so hard. I noticed one placard in particular...it was for the Rider's guide & etiquette booklet. Now, to any average person this would seem like a reasonable and probably very helpful placard. For me, it represented my last utter failure in an attempt to ride a cable car. Let me rewind.......

While in graduate school, I met one of my friends named Carol. For some reason, we seem to get into the most trouble together. In fact, she calls me "Lucy" and I call her "Ethel" because we have had so many “Lucy and Ethel" type of moments. The cable car story is just one of many! However, I digress. This particular story took place in Orlando Fl at an international conference we were attending for our graduate work. One of the first nights we were there, we decided to go out and do some exploring (i.e...shopping). Outside of our hotel, a cable car service specializing in "complementary scheduled transportation" was like a dream come true. We could literally hop on and off at our destination of choice. Right. Well, all was progressing nicely in the "exploring" venue (I found the cutest shoes!). After several hours of "exploring" we decided we couldn't carry anymore bags and we should head back to the hotel for some R&R. We boarded the cable car and began the ride back. We were four or five stops into the ride when it started to get rather crowded in the cable car. Carol and I stood up to let some of the older folks sit and rest. Now, one might assume that cable cars are rather fluid and a nice smooth ride....hardly. This particular one felt like we were creating a new dance move called the jerk. As we both tried to grab onto something to prevent falling into one of our cable car neighbors, I grabbed a cord that looked like it was attached to the ceiling. Perfect. The cable car came to a screeching halt and sat there as the driver announced “E5 stop.” We assumed it was a random stop as we hadn't done any research on stops or other rider's etiquette. After a few moments (no one got on or off), we were back on the course to the hotel. I felt so lucky to have such a good hold on the cord, it definitely helped to stabilize me when we hit a bump. Carol and I noticed that the cable car seemed to be making several with the same “E5 Stop” notification, and I mean several stops. Finally, she realized what I was holding on to and she started to laugh hysterically. "Lucy, let go of the alert cord." It appeared that in my haste to grab something to hold on to, I had grabbed the cord that alerts the driver that a passenger wants to get off of the car. Apparently all of those stops were for me. How embarrassing. I wish the funny story ended there, but it doesn't. Now, as we progressed along the route, I couldn't remember the name of the stop for our hotel. Carol couldn't either, which I think it completely understandable after our marathon shopping experience. However, we were completely guessing at which stop to exit the cable car. She finally said, "I think this is it, we should try this one." I told her that I thought it was one more yet. We decided to wait until the next stop, figuring we could just walk back if we went past the hotel. As the cable car flew past our hotel, we looked like kids at Christmas...our noses pushed up against the glass with looks of longing on our faces. As the cable car kept going and going and going, we realized with a sick feeling that our hotel was the last stop before the cable car went to all of the Disney World attractions. Fabulous. What to do? We decided that we would just have to ride it out. We would ride the cable car to the end of the line and then just circle back around to the hotel eventually. Great plan. Around 2+ hours later, we finally arrived at the last stop. I almost cried. My arms were killing me, my feet were killing me, I was hungry, and I felt like I was on Survivor: Disney World. I HATE survivor. The only good thing I could think of in that moment was that I would finally have a seat again. We sat down gratefully. We sat there for a moment or two, until we notice the driver glaring menacingly at us. He said, "You have to get off now. This is the last stop." Carol tried to explain that we had missed our stop and we would just like to sit here and ride the cable car back to our hotel. Thank you very much. Apparently the cable car driver hadn't had his happy pill for the day (you can't really blame him...screaming kids, crabby parents, and Disney music all day every day). He said again, "You have to get off now." Well! I wasn't about to get off now. I said, "Sir, we are going to stay on until the (insert name of hotel here)." He said in an increasingly higher pitched voice, "You have to get off now. I like to take my breaks alone." With that, we realized that the cable cars do not just circle endlessly. This would be a great time to point out the usefulness of reading the Rider's guide & etiquette booklet. Needless to say, we had to exit the cable car; heads hung low, and wait for the next returning cable car. I think we finally made it back to the hotel by midnight. After a day or two of recovery, we finally were able to stop laughing. I have to admit, even writing this, I laughed out loud thinking about the panicked look on Carol's face when realized we were "trapped on the trolley." Now, most people might assume that I would read the Rider's guide & etiquette booklet for my upcoming trip to San Francisco after that experience. However, I would not trade that experience for the world. I have a memory that will be with me forever, a friendship that deepened due to experiencing a traumatic event together, and a funny story to share with all of you. Mostly, I am so grateful for a friend that can laugh it up with me after an experience like that one. I think a quote from Lucy and Ethel capture the essence of that trip and many more memories like that one:
Lucy: "I have a plan."
Ethel: "I'm still recuperating from your last plan."

To Ethel: thank you for sticking with me in the good times and the bad and for helping me do the “splainin” when needed.

The Lake

I have a postcard in my cube of a lake at sunset in MN that I purchased on one of my trips home. The colors are brilliant purples, pinks, grays, blues, and deep oranges with dark shadows that hint of trees silently welcoming the night. I put it up in my cube to remind me of home and the one place I have always felt at peace. This photo was taken by one of my cousins at our family lake home in MN. She did a wonderful job of capturing an awe-inspiring sunset. I have so many great memories from the lake that it has become an intrigal part of who I am as a person and how I define relaxation. In all of my travels, I have not found a more beautiful and peaceful place. Each sunset is unique, each sunrise is different, and each view of the lake is different depending on your angle. I know that the lake in and of itself is not what makes it so beautiful for me...it is the memories I have attached to the lake. Growing up, summers were spent lazing around on the dock, falling asleep in the sun, skiing, playing volleyball, and mostly just spending time with family. I didn't realize how important the lake was to me and how I define summer, family, and relaxation until I moved away and couldn't experience it every weekend. I took for granted that being at the lake allowed me to just absorb the moment and enjoy the day for what it was....beautiful, peaceful, and relaxing. Fortunately, I have the memories and I call upon them frequently to find a deep peace and sense of self. No matter what life throws at me, no matter how busy I get, and no matter how stressed out I am, visions of the lake always seem to center me. When I am trying to solve any great crisis in my life, I envision laying on the dock with my eyes closed; the sun warming my entire body while I listen to the sounds of nature and my family around me. When I do this, my logical mind seems to let my intuition take over and produce the most clarifying insights and resolutions to the current crisis. I think at thirtysomething, we tend to forget to do this type of relaxation. We get so caught up in the daily responsibilities, obligations, and just trying to plan our next step that we forget that we can only find peace and relaxation from within....and that we have to relax. My Type-A personality does not account for relaxation in the daily to-do list. Usually, it takes some sort of cataclysmic event to remind me that we owe it to ourselves to relax. I am unable to hear that inner voice guiding me to my next decision unless I take the time to relax. I think relaxation is a lost art in our society today. I think that is probably also why the lake is so effective of relaxing me...it takes me back to a time when life was about laying in an air mattress instead of deciding the next phase of my career. There is something to be said for the beauty in nature and the effect it has on allowing your innermost voice to be heard. So, while this thirtysomething makes a to-do list for the day, I will keep this quote in mind from A.A. Milne (Pooh's Little Instruction Book): "Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering." My wish for all of you today is that you will find your “lake” and experience a moment of pure relaxation today.

My Bella

The name Bella means "beautiful" in Italian or "God's promise" in Hebrew. My Bella means both to me. She is the essence of my being. Her given name is not really Bella, but that is what she calls herself these days. Now, we don't call her that, but her friends have taken to role playing from the movie Twilight and they all call each other the movie names. She is Bella. I have to admit, given the meaning of the name, it does fit her. Being a parent to Bella is probably one of the most rewarding as well as gut-wrenching experiences I have ever had the opportunity to experience. I think Elizabeth Stone captured it best when she said, "Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." It is true, when she experiences something good, my heart is so happy, the birds chirp more loudly, the grass is greener...etc. When she experiences something difficult, my stomach drops and I immediately feel nauseous. I seem to experience childhood all over again through her eyes. The thing I wasn't prepared for in the past couple of years is the knowledge and awe of experiencing Bella's beautiful heart and wanting to be more like her in life. I always assumed that it was the parent that taught the child. Bella is the type of child that is kind to everyone, she just accepts life and circumstances as they are and makes the best of it. She is nice to all living things (even reptiles, which I abhor). She has taught me that no matter what, tomorrow is another day. So, this thirtysomething is so grateful to have Bella and to be able to experience another view of childhood through her eyes. My Bella, my sunshine, I love you =)

Labels or Love

As I listened to the lyrics of the Fergie song "Labels or Love" I couldn't help but wonder...are we so tragically damaged by past relationships that we will truly accept buying a bag over love? It is interesting to note that in both cases, we choose something. I think most of us, myself included, have felt like we are "chosen." I like the concept of choosing to be in love (and of course I like the choosing part of shopping). I think it lends more credibility to the notion that we can choose to make a relationship work, we can choose to be nice instead of mean to a co-worker, and we can choose to be a good parent. By choosing, we admit some level of responsibility in that aspect of our lives. That being said, I would not wish a broken heart on anyone. I am sure most of us thirtysomethings have experienced it at some point in our life. It is the most painful experience. I guess that is where the shopping comes in..retail therapy anyone? Plus, I have yet to meet a Jimmy Choo that breaks my heart. Let's face it; relationships take communication, commitment, and sometimes plain old work. Relationships can also be the most rewarding, life changing, and incredible experiences we will have in life. As much as I would not wish a broken heart on someone, I also would not wish anyone the safety of never falling in love. Knowing that the person you hold dear to your heart is there for you no matter what is one of the most secure feelings we can hope to attain. Knowing you would do anything for them and they would do anything for you cannot be traded for a good pair of shoes. I think the best part of being in love is looking at them after 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years and still finding the same soul you fell in love with a long time ago. It is something every person deserves and should experience in life. So, given the choice between labels and love...I choose love (although a nice pair of Manolo Blahnik's wouldn't hurt either). Maybe I will create my own version of labels and love....

Winds of Change

I got laid off today. Yep, I sure did. I wish I had some eloquent verbiage about how life brings us challenges we can meet and excel at and life is grand. I have not found the silver lining yet. I know it is probably very selfish of me to write about this and I am sure that there are alot of people that are much worse off than I am in this economy. However, I cannot help but take it very personally. I did a good job. I did what was asked of me and more. This does not change the fact that I feel personally insulted by this little setback in my career. To be honest, something broke inside of me today. Something deep, something I have always prided myself in attaining...which are basic employment and the ability to provide for my family. It is funny to me that I keep telling everyone that I will be fine. The truth is that I don't know if I will be fine. I don't know what life has in store for me. I don't know much of anything except that I am unequivocally scared. Scared like I have never been before. I guess that is ok too. I am blessed to have family and friends that are so amazing and supportive. I am blessed that I have a couple of weeks to search for the next job. I am blessed that I have come this far in life without worrying about where my next paycheck will come from. It would be a mistake to assume that because I know I am blessed that it makes the pain of the news today any less. Soon, I will be applying for jobs that 100 other people are applying for, I will be worrying about how to keep some sort of health insurance for my daughter, I will be trying to find fun things to do for free, and I will be one of millions that feel the effects of the recession. I have become a number today. I found a quote that captures how I feel about today. It states, "We change, whether we like it or not." There is nothing glamorous about my life, there is nothing that makes me feel like I stand out in a crowd, and there is nothing that can change the fact that I am now jobless. I am thirtysomething that is experiencing what hundreds of others have already felt the sting of....losing a part of themselves and becoming a statistic. The winds of change have blown and have left a trail of dust in their path. I have no choice but to change and move with the winds...

Ready, Shoot, Aim

I am not a patient person. I will be the first to admit this little fact about myself. If I didn't admit it, most of my friends and family would be happy to tell you that I am indeed the " ready, shoot, aim" girl. I have a tendency to see a situation, respond, and then think about it. I find the concept of patience noble and great. I just really don't have any desire to actually BE patient. Thankfully, I am surrounded by people that are able to inject some form of rationale before I do something terrible..usually. For instance, I recently went with my boyfriend to Las Vegas. I thought it would be fun to go and see Blue Man Group while we were there. So, I did what every normal person would do and googled "Blue Man Group" tickets. Of course THE site came up and I went about booking the tickets in the row and section I wanted to sit in. Next, I sent my boyfriend an IM, indicating that I had the "best surprise" for our upcoming trip. I proceeded to tell him I had purchased tickets for a show along with the details of the purchase. After a moment or two of stunned silence, he managed to recover enough to ask me if the tickets were refundable. I could practically see his face paling over the IM. I informed him that "of course they are not refundable, they are show tickets."He then proceeded to tell me that he could get the same tickets on several other sites for about 1/4 of the cost. In the next couple of hours, he tried everything to get a refund for me, including talking to the less than pleased operator (I had already called her and informed her of the huge rip off the tickets were and how she should really put a disclaimer on the website). Unfortunately, we were unable to refund them. Now, I am not going to disclose the price I actually paid, but let me just say, I could have done some serious damage to a black jack table for an additional week or for that matter, I might have been able to purchase plane tickets to France with the cash saved. All in all, the show was fabulous and while I thoroughly regret not completing some research before purchasing, I did love the show. I do believe I quite possibly drive everyone that is close to me slightly insane with my lack of logic, but so far they all seem to just give me an eye roll and move on. One would think that at thirtysomething I would have learned a lesson or two about patience and the ability to research before buying. Alas, I guess I am just destined to be a ready, shoot, aim sorta gal. Now, I just saw the new Michael Kors handbag on his website......

Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem or “Seize the Day” is a phrase that seems fitting for a thirtysomething. It is a time in my life that means owning up to certain realities. Accepting the notion that life is both bitter and sweet at the same time. It means the recognition that many of our notions of the future were idealizations and can't be lived in the world, but that doesn’t mean we have to compromise our ideals. For example, I don't want a lot of responsibilities, but I want to make a living. I want to enjoy each day, but I also want to feel productive. I want to sleep in, but I also want time to work out. This quandary cuts deeper than the questions of lifestyle, it is also a question of principles: I want to be honest but I don't want to be hurtful; I want to be accommodating but I want what I want when I want it; I want to be grateful but I also experience pain at times. In essence, I guess what I am getting at is that it is all about creating your own family in your own way.
During my twenties, I relied on my parents and immediate family to indicate to me the importance of home. Traditions run deep in my family. While I still appreciate my upbringing, I realized somewhere around turning 30 that I am responsible for creating my own sense of home. I get to decide my own life! I can create one that is made up of any combination of family, friends, jobs, hobbies, vacations, and goals. I also get to experience the bittersweet significance of the things I cannot control or even necessarily have a choice in: illness, gossip, losing friends, job loss, and chapters of my life closing before I am ready to say goodbye. In sum, I am experiencing life as a thirtysomething. While there is nothing innately fabulous about it, it is my life.

This blog is my way of capturing both the triumphs and tragedies of being a thirtysomething. I feel compelled to share my thoughts on my small moments of real life as well as some of my dreams, hopes, goals, and thoughts on this business of being thirtysomething. I know that I am not the first person, nor are we as thirtysomethings the first ones, to ever have children, buy houses, have careers, or have parents that are ill. The truth is, there is probably nothing noble about the endeavors of a thirtysomething, but it is my life. One of my best friends started a blog called “The New Forty” and it is her way of dealing with being 50. I love it and read it daily. It is a small way of keeping in touch with her even though I am thousands of miles away. Her blog as well as her friendship has taught me that friendship is timeless. So, if this blog reaches out to twentysomethings, fiftysomethings, or really any age in some small way, I am humbled. Mostly, I am just writing about the territory I know best...being thirtysomething. I read an anonymous quote that captured how I feel about life these days “One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it is worth watching.” In other words, Carpe Diem...